Grieving a loss

I haven't written on the blog for a while as some of you will have noticed. I've been trying to decide how I would write this particular post, as this is a hard thing for me. Almost a year ago I got hurt Indian leg wrestling my roommate (here's the link if you missed that post: http://angelwithastethoscope.blogspot.com/search/label/E.R. ) and doctors thought I had pulled some tendons in my neck and upper back. A few weeks ago, unexpectedly, I was at work when I started hurting again like I did that night. I couldn't lift patients, and even had to use two gait belts to strap an ice pack on my back in order to keep working. I thought maybe I had just moved wrong and it would go away. A week later when the pain hadn't subsided I went in to see my doctor. The diagnosis: I've injured the muscles, and my continued strain on them at my job is worsening the symptoms. I have started physical therapy, but it has now become necessary for me to quit being a CNA.

I spent the last three weeks at my jobs cherishing every moment I could, counting down to the very last call light. I have gone through every emotion possible, from feeling relief, to frustration, to a sense of loss. Oh yeah, and lots and lots of crying. (cause I'm a girl, it's what we do!) Being a CNA is how I have defined myself. I always felt like it was a core part of who I was. I've been feeling lost until, as always, Heavenly Father sends comfort through angels in our lives, for me, one of the dearest people in my life said: "you'll always be who you are, no matter what happens. We are who we choose to be, and our past defines in us what we want it to... I know you'll always be an example and a care-giver, high heels or flats. It's in your nature."

Yet even after hearing that, I still ached for the job I love so much. As I tried to deal with these thoughts and emotions, some people around me expressed criticism and irritation because they didn't understand why this could be such a loss to me. I began to feel stupid because of my grieving. I love the book 'Tear Soup', which is a story of a grandma who has suffered a loss, and cooks a batch of tear soup as a way to illustrate her grieving. I felt like the part in it where it says "On some afternoons people would ask questions like 'Is it soup yet?' Or, 'How long is it going to take? You have been at this for over a month now. It's time to get out of the kitchen!'" I learned that our personal grief is usually only understood by our closest friends and always by our Savior. He understands the overwhelming joy I feel as I care for a patient, or hold the hand of a dying man, or comfort the families. He understands completely.

I visited one last time Friday morning, and left crying as the weight of that action was impressed on me. I didn't find peace until I read an article in the February Ensign entitled 'The Refining Fire of Grief'. In it I read the quote from Elder Lance B. Wickman that eased the hurt: "Grief is the natural by-product of love... The only way to avoid the grief would be to not experience the love; and it is love that gives life its richness and meaning". I could have avoided the grief, but it means I would have missed out on the overwhelming love I felt for my patients through the years. I have loved being a CNA-it was a stressful, dirty, nasty and thankless job, but if you look past that it is a beautiful thing where we get to experience loving and caring for God's children, serving every day, and being blessed to ease the path through to the next life. I have been truly blessed to meet, interact with and learn from hundreds, if not thousands of children of God these past three years, and how I shall treasure those moments.

This blog will continue, I will tell stories of the last night at my CNA job (and what a whopper that tale is!) and then this blog will take a turn to be a blog of my thoughts, my ideas, my dreams, and most importantly, my joys :) As this chapter in my life closes, I know that another one is just beginning, and I will record that chapter on this blog as well. Thanks for reading you guys :)