Finding Peace In Struggles

I have started two new jobs in the last two months, both of which require entirely different skill sets-one expects me to be able to react quickly to dangerous situations, be alert constantly, and to maintain and be responsible for the safety of my coworkers at all times. It is an intense but fun job, and I have been grateful to be a part of it. My other job has been much more of a challenge for me. I was hired at a certain level, and in a turn of events was promoted two levels above that 3 months later. In doing so I am now a supervisor (along with two others) over employees in an office, and it has been one of the greatest blessings and heartaches I have had in a long time. I love my job, but I have also worried, cried, agonized, and poured over this job day and night in a way I have never had to before. As a CNA, I knew my tasks inside and out, I had a natural gift for interacting with patients and staff, and I was able to care for others in a way that satisfied my soul beyond anything I had yet done. As that job is no longer an option for me, I found something else that is drastically different in ways I am still trying to grasp. I cannot seem to learn the information fast enough, in an environment that the policies can literally change every day. It has been a huge challenge I am trying to overcome as I guide employees who come to me and are seeking answers I struggle to know.

As I find myself in this situation, I also find myself under a lot of scrutiny from other employees and myself. In the last few weeks I have received some blunt criticism that has put me in tears as it (in my mind) confirms my worst fears-that I am not qualified or capable of doing all that is expected of me at this job, by others and mostly myself. I cannot fully describe to you how devastating and poisonous that feeling can be; much like how infection can rapidly spread and affect so much more than the original wound. I find myself doubting every move I make, feeling as if all eyes are on me, waiting for me to stumble. As I left work on Friday tears streamed down my face, as I was sure I could not go back. I ached for some kind of relief from the weight I carried that was overwhelming my heart and mind. I felt much like I do in the dentist chair, when they are about to take x-rays of your teeth, as they lay that heavy radiation-repellant suit on top of you-I felt like those were being piled on me with no relief in sight, crushing my lungs and pinning me to the chair.

In desperation for comfort I texted a friend from church who offered to come give me a priesthood blessing. He came, and as soon as I opened the door his arms enveloped me. I had no idea how badly I craved some form of affection or love like this until he did. He held me for a moment, came inside, and asked what was had happened. I explained to him the situation as best I could, having to stop as I attempted to regain control of my emotions. He gave me some simple solutions I could try, and then motioned for me to sit in a chair so we could start the blessing. As I sat down I silently pleaded to my Heavenly Father for help: I didn't have a solution to the seemingly impossible mountain that was in front of me, but I knew He did, and I was ready to hear and follow.

With hands laid on my head my friend spoke the words my Heavenly Father desired me to remember and follow, affirmed that my concerns were valid, and that this trial, like all in our lives, would teach me and help me to grow. I felt the Spirit pour over me as the weight lifted from my heart and soul. Was I told specifically what to do? No. Did my problems magically disintegrate? No. But I found the relief I was seeking, and felt that my Heavenly Father trusts me to listen to His Spirit and follow the promptings as they come, and for now, that is enough. One of my favorite hymns states:

"Lead, kindly Light, amid th’encircling gloom, lead Thou me on!
The night is dark, and I am far from home; lead Thou me on!
Keep Thou my feet; I do not ask to see
The distant scene; one step enough for me."

Lead Thou me on, one step enough for me.