Guilt rears it's ugly head
Sorry I missed last week guys, life has kept me on my toes these past few weeks.
If I had to pick a favorite out of all of the people I have ever cared for, she would be it. This patient had Alzheimers, final stage, and she was a sweetheart. She was the most kind woman I have ever met, which speaks volumes for her because Alzheimers changes most people's personality for the worse. When I first became a CNA and met her she was wandering with her walker aimlessly down the hallways, circling for hours until she accidentally went into someone's room or we needed her for something. By the time she passed away her physical condition had worsened to the point that she fell every time she tried to walk without help, but still had that urge to roam, so we had to keep a very close eye on her. Her daughter had brought in a desk tray that we could strap to her wheelchair to keep her in it, but just a day before my story we had been told to get rid of it because it was considered a restraint and our facility was not licensed for those.
Alzheimers, for those of you who don't know, wipes your (pleasant) memories from the present back through time. I would come into the room to find her crying about something she didn't remember to bake for the relief society sisters (LDS group of women who gather to do service and meet as sisters to encourage each other, etc. in the church) years ago, or things like that. I would usually be able to convince her that I had baked them something or whatever the memory required to resolve it, and she could calm down. If you have been reading my blog for a while, she was the one who remembered how to pray out in the lobby that one night. I love her so much.
I had been a medical technician for a couple shifts, I was brand new to the job, and it was a stressful one. The med tech is the step between nurse and CNA, passing out medication, supervising the CNAs, helping them as needed and handling emergencies. I was behind on my med pass and was very stressed. I had a difficult aide working under me that night who had not been promoted as I had, and had wanted to be. Being thwarted and having to work under the girl who got the position you wanted was bad enough, but when that girl in 18 and you are in your 40s, it doesn't help matters. Anyway, I was running about 45 minutes behind on my pass, and in case you didn't know, the elderly love having their medication, and everything else on the planet, come exactly when they want it. At this point I had patients lined down the hallway poking their heads out the door waiting to tell me off for being late. In short, it was a great night ahead of me :)
I don't remember anymore what it was that had kept me, but I had left my med cart at the front desk and gone into the kitchen for something, and when I came back, I saw this patient lying face down on the ground in front of her wheelchair on the floor, not moving. I panicked. I screamed for help and sprinted over to her. I rolled her over, and she was conscious, just not moving. By this time an aide had rushed in, and together we lifted her back into the chair. She was grimacing in pain, and as I assessed her, I realized it was her left hip hurting her. My heart sunk at this point-One half of all elderly patients that break their hip die within a year. All my aides had come to the lobby by this point. I told two of them to continue to do their job of putting patients in bed, and told the aide that was upset with me to stay with the patient while I called her daughter and EMS.
As my two other aides turned to leave, the aide with my patient proceeded to tell me she didn't want to, that she wanted to go get her patients in bed. I had never lost my temper with a coworker before, but I did right then. I yelled at her to sit down and shut up, that her job was to sit there and not move her butt until EMS arrived, that I had to handle the phone calls and couldn't sit with her or I would. She promptly sat back down and shut up. I got a hold of the daughter and EMS, and they arrived almost simultaneously.
They assessed her and decided to take her in the ambulance, and asked me when she had last had her medication. By this point she, because of my tardiness, hadn't had her regular pain medication and night meds for about an hour and a half. The guilt just washed over me-not only was her fall my responsibility, but her medication and added pain was my fault, and I could be responsible for her death if she died. I should have had an aide sit with her, I should have gotten her the medication on time, I should haves were running rampant through my head as they put her on the stretcher and wheeled her out. She came back to our facility on hospice, (a separate company that sends in aides and nurses to do care on patients that is more intense than our facility provides, which generally happens when a patient is going to die soon) and was dead a week later.
I remember going to her funeral and watching her family cry and cry, but they also knew the Plan of Salvation that we know in the church, that our Heavenly Father is in charge and doesn't take any righteous person before their time, and that she is happy and comfortable in spirit paradise with her loved ones who had gone before, her husband and a grandson to name a few. I still feel guilty sometimes, and I would change that night if I could, but since I can't, I trust and know that my Heavenly Father had a hand in what happened that night, that He loves both of us and did what was best for both of us. There was a reason why I was the med tech that night, and I think the reason was to teach me that in all I do for my patients, my Heavenly Father is still in charge, and is the ultimate CNA or med tech. He eases pain, he comforts and consoles in a way I never can without His help, and sometimes, He decides that it is time for them to come home, and nothing I do to try to prevent that will work, but that's because it is better that way. I am so grateful He is in charge and that I can trust He has what's best in mind, not what I think is best.
If I had to pick a favorite out of all of the people I have ever cared for, she would be it. This patient had Alzheimers, final stage, and she was a sweetheart. She was the most kind woman I have ever met, which speaks volumes for her because Alzheimers changes most people's personality for the worse. When I first became a CNA and met her she was wandering with her walker aimlessly down the hallways, circling for hours until she accidentally went into someone's room or we needed her for something. By the time she passed away her physical condition had worsened to the point that she fell every time she tried to walk without help, but still had that urge to roam, so we had to keep a very close eye on her. Her daughter had brought in a desk tray that we could strap to her wheelchair to keep her in it, but just a day before my story we had been told to get rid of it because it was considered a restraint and our facility was not licensed for those.
Alzheimers, for those of you who don't know, wipes your (pleasant) memories from the present back through time. I would come into the room to find her crying about something she didn't remember to bake for the relief society sisters (LDS group of women who gather to do service and meet as sisters to encourage each other, etc. in the church) years ago, or things like that. I would usually be able to convince her that I had baked them something or whatever the memory required to resolve it, and she could calm down. If you have been reading my blog for a while, she was the one who remembered how to pray out in the lobby that one night. I love her so much.
I had been a medical technician for a couple shifts, I was brand new to the job, and it was a stressful one. The med tech is the step between nurse and CNA, passing out medication, supervising the CNAs, helping them as needed and handling emergencies. I was behind on my med pass and was very stressed. I had a difficult aide working under me that night who had not been promoted as I had, and had wanted to be. Being thwarted and having to work under the girl who got the position you wanted was bad enough, but when that girl in 18 and you are in your 40s, it doesn't help matters. Anyway, I was running about 45 minutes behind on my pass, and in case you didn't know, the elderly love having their medication, and everything else on the planet, come exactly when they want it. At this point I had patients lined down the hallway poking their heads out the door waiting to tell me off for being late. In short, it was a great night ahead of me :)
I don't remember anymore what it was that had kept me, but I had left my med cart at the front desk and gone into the kitchen for something, and when I came back, I saw this patient lying face down on the ground in front of her wheelchair on the floor, not moving. I panicked. I screamed for help and sprinted over to her. I rolled her over, and she was conscious, just not moving. By this time an aide had rushed in, and together we lifted her back into the chair. She was grimacing in pain, and as I assessed her, I realized it was her left hip hurting her. My heart sunk at this point-One half of all elderly patients that break their hip die within a year. All my aides had come to the lobby by this point. I told two of them to continue to do their job of putting patients in bed, and told the aide that was upset with me to stay with the patient while I called her daughter and EMS.
As my two other aides turned to leave, the aide with my patient proceeded to tell me she didn't want to, that she wanted to go get her patients in bed. I had never lost my temper with a coworker before, but I did right then. I yelled at her to sit down and shut up, that her job was to sit there and not move her butt until EMS arrived, that I had to handle the phone calls and couldn't sit with her or I would. She promptly sat back down and shut up. I got a hold of the daughter and EMS, and they arrived almost simultaneously.
They assessed her and decided to take her in the ambulance, and asked me when she had last had her medication. By this point she, because of my tardiness, hadn't had her regular pain medication and night meds for about an hour and a half. The guilt just washed over me-not only was her fall my responsibility, but her medication and added pain was my fault, and I could be responsible for her death if she died. I should have had an aide sit with her, I should have gotten her the medication on time, I should haves were running rampant through my head as they put her on the stretcher and wheeled her out. She came back to our facility on hospice, (a separate company that sends in aides and nurses to do care on patients that is more intense than our facility provides, which generally happens when a patient is going to die soon) and was dead a week later.
I remember going to her funeral and watching her family cry and cry, but they also knew the Plan of Salvation that we know in the church, that our Heavenly Father is in charge and doesn't take any righteous person before their time, and that she is happy and comfortable in spirit paradise with her loved ones who had gone before, her husband and a grandson to name a few. I still feel guilty sometimes, and I would change that night if I could, but since I can't, I trust and know that my Heavenly Father had a hand in what happened that night, that He loves both of us and did what was best for both of us. There was a reason why I was the med tech that night, and I think the reason was to teach me that in all I do for my patients, my Heavenly Father is still in charge, and is the ultimate CNA or med tech. He eases pain, he comforts and consoles in a way I never can without His help, and sometimes, He decides that it is time for them to come home, and nothing I do to try to prevent that will work, but that's because it is better that way. I am so grateful He is in charge and that I can trust He has what's best in mind, not what I think is best.
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